Whoa. I just completely, totally broke down. Like, cried like a helpless baby in front of the fridge because we’re out of the beer I wanted to drink kind of a breakdown. Irrational, ridiculous, embarrassing breakdown. This entire day was this breakdown’s foreplay. Now I’m sitting on the other side of the meltdown and I think I can logically break it down (whoa, pun not intended) to make this all make sense.
As of Monday, I have decided to do a number of new things and I think my poor little soul wasn’t prepared. I’ve, for the most part, changed my diet. I’ve decided to stay positive and optimistic instead of retreating to comfortably numb cynicism. I have opted out of boozing on non-weekend days (major shock to the system, lemme tell you). I have thrown myself into this blog to document my pathway to positivity.
As a result of these changes, I:
1) have not been sleeping well. at. all.
I normally retreat to bed at a very early time (usually out of boredom, not necessarily sleepiness). This week, while I wanted to sleep, I couldn’t! My mind has been racing. I actually take this to be a good thing: instead of slumping into hours-long sleep, I’m actually sleepless due to the excitement of major life changes. However, that doesn’t get me out of waking up before 6:00 for work each day…so the lack of sleep has started to wear on me.
2) have been having major. major. MAJOR. headaches.
Over a year ago, I was concerned about my relentless headaches. Saw a neurologist about it, had an MRI, yadda yadda yadda…there might be something minor wrong with my nervous system but there is nothing wrong with my brain. Magically, the headaches subsided after I stopped worrying about all the things that might’ve been wrong. I’ve been largely headache-free since–until now. I’ve been going to sleep with headaches, waking up with headaches. This has been never-ending headache week.
3) have been possibly ignoring work issues.
As a means of being more positive, this means much of the work shit has remained untouched and stuffed down. There’s probably only so much of this I can take before I explode. My boss almost brought on the trigger of that tipping point. Today’s breakdown was little about work, but how long can this go on before an inevitable work meltdown?
4) have not really been eating.
I’ve been too busy at work, haven’t had any money in my account to go grocery shopping, haven’t been feeling up to cooking long-winded dinners…so I’ve just been eating less. And today when I couldn’t lunch at work because there was no time for a 30-minute break, I think it all finally caught up to me.
5) have been probably going through beer withdrawal.
I used to drink daily and now I’m limiting myself to weekends. Seeing that the fridge lacking the ONE beer I wanted (Breckenridge Agave Wheat) was the trigger of my Friday night breakdown (crying–no, SOBBING–in front of the fridge and saying “that was the last straw! that was the last straw!”)–I might venture to say that the lack of drinking is shocking my system just a bit.
Once I addressed my basic needs (cried a little and felt emotionally satisfied; chowed down on coconut curry, which I’ve been craving for days; drank half a beer; changed into my PJs), I felt better.
I just freaked out a little bit. I told James I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t kid myself and change the way I think and behave–I alluded to the fact that I’m not strong enough to be different than I was. But that’s not true. I think this week was just overwhelming. I now have a clear mind. I now see that this is going to be a long process–but damnit, I’m going to find happiness, some way or another. Here’s to hoping that the breakdowns come few and far between from here on out.