friday night breakdown.

Whoa. I just completely, totally broke down. Like, cried like a helpless baby in front of the fridge because we’re out of the beer I wanted to drink kind of a breakdown. Irrational, ridiculous, embarrassing breakdown. This entire day was this breakdown’s foreplay. Now I’m sitting on the other side of the meltdown and I think I can logically break it down (whoa, pun not intended) to make this all make sense.

CHANGE

As of Monday, I have decided to do a number of new things and I think my poor little soul wasn’t prepared. I’ve, for the most part, changed my diet. I’ve decided to stay positive and optimistic instead of retreating to comfortably numb cynicism. I have opted out of boozing on non-weekend days (major shock to the system, lemme tell you). I have thrown myself into this blog to document my pathway to positivity.

As a result of these changes, I:

1) have not been sleeping well. at. all.

I normally retreat to bed at a very early time (usually out of boredom, not necessarily sleepiness). This week, while I wanted to sleep, I couldn’t! My mind has been racing. I actually take this to be a good thing: instead of slumping into hours-long sleep, I’m actually sleepless due to the excitement of major life changes. However, that doesn’t get me out of waking up before 6:00 for work each day…so the lack of sleep has started to wear on me.

2) have been having major. major. MAJOR. headaches.

Over a year ago, I was concerned about my relentless headaches. Saw a neurologist about it, had an MRI, yadda yadda yadda…there might be something minor wrong with my nervous system but there is nothing wrong with my brain. Magically, the headaches subsided after I stopped worrying about all the things that might’ve been wrong. I’ve been largely headache-free since–until now. I’ve been going to sleep with headaches, waking up with headaches. This has been never-ending headache week.

3) have been possibly ignoring work issues.

As a means of being more positive, this means much of the work shit has remained untouched and stuffed down. There’s probably only so much of this I can take before I explode. My boss almost brought on the trigger of that tipping point. Today’s breakdown was little about work, but how long can this go on before an inevitable work meltdown?

4) have not really been eating.

I’ve been too busy at work, haven’t had any money in my account to go grocery shopping, haven’t been feeling up to cooking long-winded dinners…so I’ve just been eating less. And today when I couldn’t lunch at work because there was no time for a 30-minute break, I think it all finally caught up to me.

5) have been probably going through beer withdrawal.

I used to drink daily and now I’m limiting myself to weekends. Seeing that the fridge lacking the ONE beer I wanted (Breckenridge Agave Wheat) was the trigger of my Friday night breakdown (crying–no, SOBBING–in front of the fridge and saying “that was the last straw! that was the last straw!”)–I might venture to say that the lack of drinking is shocking my system just a bit.

Once I addressed my basic needs (cried a little and felt emotionally satisfied; chowed down on coconut curry, which I’ve been craving for days; drank half a beer; changed into my PJs), I felt better.

I just freaked out a little bit. I told James I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t kid myself and change the way I think and behave–I alluded to the fact that I’m not strong enough to be different than I was. But that’s not true. I think this week was just overwhelming. I now have a clear mind. I now see that this is going to be a long process–but damnit, I’m going to find happiness, some way or another. Here’s to hoping that the breakdowns come few and far between from here on out.

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2 thoughts on “friday night breakdown.

  1. Headaches are really common when you make a major change like this. Don’t forget, your body is in kind of a detox mode. The withdrawal is very real! Remember to drink lots and lots of water to help flush the bad stuff out, and also eat lots of small snacks throughout the day. Your metabolism will be changing. Normally people eat simple starches that spike your blood sugar and give you an instant energy charge, and meat that digests slower and can leave you sluggish. When you switch to veggies and fruit your metabolism speeds up, and you’ll get hungry faster. A banana is a great snack to bring to work with you, and the potassium will help keep you hydrated.

    Also, polite company doesn’t usually talk about it, but with a change in digestion comes a change in stool. Don’t be surprised if you’re extra gassy and have some diarrhea at first. I think I had 2 weeks of uncomfortable change, and then I started having the best poops of my life! Sorry, TMI, I know, but it’s the truth! Lots of people only go once a day, or even every couple of days. I’m in and out of the bathroom 2-3 times a day, and it’s quick and easy. I wanna high-five someone every time I walk out, lol đŸ™‚

  2. LOL. I’ve been meatless for a while so in my mind, I’m not giving up that much–but I guess I used to consume an unholy amount of cheese, so my body IS probably shocked by all of this. I am really, really hoping that if I can get some good rest tonight, I will wake up sans headache. Plus, I have so much to look forward to tomorrow–I’m heading to an organic restaurant to have a DELICIOUS vegan breakfast that I don’t have to cook myself, and then it’s off to Whole Foods (which is a big treat for me because it’s not all that close) to make some major life decisions about the food I’m going to be putting into my new-feeling body. đŸ™‚

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